sometimes i hate being myself.

hi, it's me. i just need to let some things out of my mind which concerned me all this time. i can't share anything to someone else right now and i feel comfortable to share in this way, bcs for me writing is more comfortable than speak, so yeah.

guys, have you hated being yourself? not bcs you are not grateful for who you are, but it's your nature or personality which made you hated yourself perhaps? bcs right now, i'm in this kind of situation. it's kinda frustrated me and i hate for having these feelings inside me, it's full of negativity. i wanted to change just a little bit and of course in a positive way not opposite (bcs i'm already negative tho lol). i wanted to be stay positive as much as possible, i'm tired to feel insecure with every single things i have done.

for example, when someone get closer and i feel not attractive enough so i'm just distant myself and that's it we're not even started but it's ended like this. when i like someone and my friend which more beautiful than me liked him too, i gave up my feelings so easily (i know, nonsense. you coward). when i can't stand being friends with someone bcs he/she just didn't fit me well, we had different nature but i cursed myself just bcs we can't fit each other. when someone said i'm playing victim bcs i accidentally offended him/her and him/her accused me playing victim, annoying, and fake for being myself, it's ruined my life, it's affected me so bad, it's hurt me deep, i even hiatus on social media to get away from him/her, i even said sorry, but he/she said i'm toxic positivity and he/she don't care at all, that's the ending. such a good ending.

i wanted to change. be as positive as ever. not insecure and overthinking about everything. just walk in my pace slowly, leave bad or negative things behind, just... enjoy life. can i do that? i hate myself for being like this, also i'm tired... i wanted to be someone new which opposite of me. :(

sometimes being kind isn't enough, there's still people hated you for being kind. i know that you can't please everyone whatever kind of person you are, but i wish i can handle this and accepted it. it's just not easy to be rejected by someone. it's never easy.

still i know someday there will be the day when someone love me no matter what kind of person i am, no matter i'm still being me which full of negativity or change for better. when the day came, i wish you can handle and accepted me for who i am. i will just wait you and learn to be positive. it's not easy, but i'm betting for my (positive) self and i believe in you.

no things.

hey, it's been a long time, right? how are you? btw i have to tell you guys something. um, i'm just here because i need to let out some things in my head, it's been tough for me and i seem can't bear with those all, so yeah... lol i hate myself for always be overact with every little things, so here i am with sudden confide, hope you guys didn't mind with this impudent me.

these past months has been so stressful for me, drama with family, college business, and so on. i can't kept up with those, so i took a break from society. it's nice to get out from society, it's help to reduced these anxiety and all negativity in me. tbh i kinda feel sick with society and relationship with people around me, even with my closest one. i dunno, i just been fed up with it and i guess i have enough, so yeah... why not? i'm doing this for myself anyway, because right now, there is no important things in world beside my family and my own self. i know it's rude for me whenever someone texted me or tried to called me just to asked me about my doing and blablabla, it's really nice of them to think about me eventho just a little, i really appreciate it, but back to what i said, i need to do this, it's part of self love things for me.

i just need time to be alone. like... just alone in my room, focus on things that i should have caught, fixing my mind and mood, relax watching movies and listening to slow songs, well... something like that. my minds are full of negativeness and i wanna get rid those first without bother.

i'm sorry for those who's tried to reach me and haven't got reply or anything yet from me, hope you guys can understand. i'm not avoiding, got it? it's just a temporarily goodbye from me with you guys, with society. and please kindly don't ask me anything because i'm tired to explain everything. i have been struggle with life, so better don't. just wait for me to comeback and i promise... once i feel well and have enough some positive energy (again) i will contact you guys.

it's been a long time since last time i have conversation with friends and i missed them a lot, but i feel more comfortable like this. just alone without someone, just with myself trying to solve my own life puzzle. also sorry for being so selfish, but since no one love me more than i love myself, i know that what i already did were right for seclude myself from society.

UWAAAA I NEED VACATION OR I NEED MY PEACEFUL LIFE BACK OR SHOULD I GOING SOMEWHERE QUIET AND LIVING ALONE THERE LOL THAT'S MY BUCKET FUTURE WISH PLANS THO.

goodbye for now and see you, guys! hopefully soon. thank you for spend your time to read these boring post! also thank you for people who's never tired of me, you guys sure are the best! literally the best one outta world lol. gosh, i'm so grateful and tons of loves from me. ♡

Mates from hell.

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb.
hiyaa, ma fella blogie! >w<)/// im finally here to post something. hows u guys doing? hope u guys doing well!

actually... today i just wanna share something. so theres one friend of mine whos struggle thru financial problem. i know it since she's told me about it and i hate it the fact that i cant help her more. i feel like useless as her friend, eventho im not that close to her, i want to help her more. im not trying to be a kind person, im not care about her to accept everyone's compliment nor to achieve something too. its just i cant bear it whenever i know someone close by especially my friend struggle. i know that im kinda annoying bcs sometimes i always interfere to ppl business, but i cant help it, its my nature. i really am sorry but i cant kept silent watched classmate of mine bullying her for something so trivial. its bcs she cant afford to paid class savings or ppl called it money cashes, like.... what the hell did u guys thinking?! why cant u guys asked her politely and be nice to her. she's our friend, but u guys so rude to her. i know that she's at fault for not paying money cashes but the way u guys asked were RUDE. u guys dont know the reason behind it (....since u guys not care enough) and what struggle she is going thru in her life yet kept complain even comment something about her private life in group chat, whats so fun about it? why u guys seem enjoyed bully her while she just cant paid money cashes? why didnt u guys asked the reason she cant afford to paid? and even after she told someone in my class, they kept asked for money cashes. why no one in my class are care enough?

at least if u CANT UNDERSTAND her condition rn, just keep silent and dont speak casually about her private life like that!!! it hurts me so much to read that everyone kept badmouthing her in group chat and the worst is i wasnt brave enough to yell at them to shut up. im such a useless friend and i feel bad bcs of it. it hurt me so much that im crying while read what they're said. i cant ask them to f theirselves off so i contact her first.

i said that im willing to help her, so she dont have to be ashamed and i said that i know how it feel when u had financial problem. i said that i went thru it too but fortunately my dad can affort to paid college and my family having enough money. (i understand her since i had thru it as well but i would also understand eventho im not thru it since im her friend. wth is wrong with classmate of mine?!!! nah i dunno ;A;). as long as i have enough, she can ask me for help and i didnt mind it. but i dunno why she kept reject so i accept her will since i dont want to damage her rights, but i said to her if my classmate keep asking about money and she cant afford it, i asked her to accept my help for the best. i know i kinda stubborn lol. for me, its for the best since i cant bear to see them badmouthing and i dont want her to hurt more. tbh i still cant believe that they're actually my classmate, i dont even wanna called them mate for ever lol they're sick. i dont remember having them as mate, so yeah. im sorry if u guys think that im the rude one but IM SO MAD RN AND IM PISSED BY THEIR BEHAVIOR, IM UPSET and really really DISAPPOINT to my classmate. :(

i swear if u guys see what they said in group chat, u guys might be explode due to emotions, just like me lmao. so finally earth got crisis of kind people, huh.
guys, if u read this post pls remember to always be kind to ur friends and ppl u dont know as well. if u guys cant, who else here can be kind enough to care? for me, theres nothing more impressive than being kind to others, so pls be kind so u guys would be blessed by God bcs of it, be kind so u guys might be receive something from others too, be kind so u guys might be happy just by watching them happy, and be kind so u guys might be used to be kind. :)

and thank u for read this guys. it means a lot and finally i relieved just by type my feelings out. until next time, see u guys! always be happy and may God bless u. <33

What I feel these days.

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb!
halo semuanya! ><)// apa kabar? semoga sehat, rezekinya lancar, sukses, dan selalu dalam lindungan Allah yaa. :))

udah lama bgt aku ga cerita disini. gatau sih sbnrnya aku cerita disini ada yg baca apa nggak, tp aku beneran ga peduli sm viewers blog. aku cerita disini karena ngerasa kalo blog itu diary aku, sekaligus temen yg selalu dengerin segala keluh kesah aku.

ga kerasa ya... perasaan post kemarin aku cerita soal kesan aku jadi mahasiswa baru dan skrg aku nulis post ini saat aku memasuki semester akhir.
btw aku mau cerita nih tentang suka duka hidup aku skrg ini. aku saat ini lg menyusun skripsi tp belum selesai-selesai karena aku sibuk bgt di rl. meskipun aku ga kerja kyk dulu lagi tp skrg justru aku malah lebih sibuk karena.... maun aku sering sakit. maklum udah faktor u dan beliau tahun ini memasuki golden agenya. kerjaan aku skrg ini banyak karena setiap maun sakitnya kambuh, aku mengerjakan semua pekerjaan rumah. pagi-pagi aku udah ngerendem pakaian, beli sarapan, belanja sama bang ipin (tukang sayur). siangnya aku masak, nyuci, jemur, gosok. sorenya aku nyapu, ngepel, beberes rumah. malemnya kalo lauk udah abis aku harus masak lagi. banyak bgt kan kerjaan aku. malemnya sbnrnya aku bisa nyempetin buat skripsi tp akunya udah capek duluan hehe gabisa mikir, pegel-pegel, pusing kyk mau pingsan setiap hari karena aku darah rendah atau kecapean atau kurang tidur entahlah hehe. :) kadang selain ngerjain kerjaan rumah juga aku rajin ngecek maun aku. kalo maun kerasa lemes aku pijitin, kadang kalo beliau minta kerokin aku kerok, temenin beliau cerita sama tidur supaya bisa tidur sambil mijitin, nemenin ke dokter dua minggu ini. aku ngerasa capek bgt sbnrnya tp meskipun aku capek sampai ga nafsu makan kyk cuma makan sehari sekali aja atau pusing bgt kepala aku atau pegel-pegel segala macemnya aku tahan karena aku tau maun pasti lebih sakit. aku gamau nambah beban juga, aku mau beliau cepet sembuh dan sampai saat ini meskipun aku ngerasa beaten up, tp aku masih bisa bertahan. alhamdulillah... setiap hari dalam hati aku berharap supaya sehat, ga akan sakit karena maun butuh aku. aku berdoa juga buat kesehatan ortu aku. mashaa Allah kebayang capeknya jadi seorang ibu itu. yg aku kerjain itu cuma sebagian dari tugasnya aja karena aku blm ngerasain melahirkan dan ngerawat anak itu gimana. besar bgt pengorbanan seorang ibu tuh. selain ngurusin rumah juga ibu ngurusin suaminya dan anak-anaknya. aku yg ngerasain beratnya ini ngerasa kalo aku harus berbakti sama ortu aku, terutama sama maun aku. jangan sampai aku marah atau kesel sama beliau, ngebentak beliau, nyakitin beliau, apalagi durhaka yaa Allah ga kebayang nantinya hidup aku pasti gabakalan berkah.

semenjak maun sakit, aku jadi sering merenung soal dosa-dosa aku ke beliau, aku bersyukur bgt sama beliau atas semuanya, aku pengen bgt buat beliau bahagia dan bangga sama aku. ga jarang juga aku nangis karena ngerasa kasian karena beliau kesakitan dan ngerasa beliau itu sudah tua.

mah... makasih ya mah, udah lahirin aku meskipun aku tau ga mudah melahirkan aku dan ngerawat aku sampai skrg. aku juga minta maaf karena sebagai anak blm mampu bahagiain dan banggain maun. :"")
aku cuma bisa berdoa untuk kesembuhan maun. aku berharap juga meskipun waktu aku ngerjain skripsi ini beneran sulit, semoga aku bisa ngerjain skripsi dan lulus tepat waktu. kalo udah lulus nanti, aku harap aku mendapat pekerjaan yg baik. aku mau belanjain maun ini itu, ajak maun jalan-jalan, qtime atau date bareng sama maun berdua. semoga harapan aku terkabul yaa, mah. :)

selain itu.... aku juga minta maaf sama paun. aku sulit bgt nunjukin rasa sayang aku.

untuk adik aku... maaf aku blm bisa jadi kakak yg baik. aku ngerasa kalo kamu lagi jutek atau badmood, akunya ikut kesel sama kamu. aku beneran minta tolong supaya lebih hormat sama ortu dan org yg lebih tua, dijaga lisan dan harus santun sikapnya. kamu yg paling disayang sama ortu. bahkan paun sm maun ngaku kalo semua yg kamu mau selalu diturutin. beda sama aku yg gabisa bercanda sama mereka seperti yg kamu lakuin ke mereka dan aku jg selalu ga enak minta ini itu ke mereka. karena kamu lebih disayang mereka, tolong lebih sayang dan perhatian juga ke mereka yaaa.
ditambah aku yg gakalah sayangnya sm kamu, dik. aku harap kamu paham dan ngerti kalo aku tegas ke kamu itu karena apa. maaf ya sayang.

waaah puas bgt rasanya cerita disini haha. makasih blog selalu nemenin di saat suka duka kyk gini. <3
btw maaf buat temen-temen yg chat tp aku ga bales atau delivin aja. aku beneran capek dan gaada waktu rasanya buat chatting. selain itu aku ga terlalu suka chatting. maaf yaa hehe. buat chatting sama org pun aku beneran susah waktunya apalagi buat punya pasangan. beneran deh saat ini aku ga mikirin itu. sorry. aku beneran gaada waktu buat bales chat atau nanggepin small talk kalian. :(

okay then, thank u blog! see u next post. <3