hi, it's me. i just need to let some things out of my mind which concerned me all this time. i can't share anything to someone else right now and i feel comfortable to share in this way, bcs for me writing is more comfortable than speak, so yeah.
guys, have you hated being yourself? not bcs you are not grateful for who you are, but it's your nature or personality which made you hated yourself perhaps? bcs right now, i'm in this kind of situation. it's kinda frustrated me and i hate for having these feelings inside me, it's full of negativity. i wanted to change just a little bit and of course in a positive way not opposite (bcs i'm already negative tho lol). i wanted to be stay positive as much as possible, i'm tired to feel insecure with every single things i have done.
for example, when someone get closer and i feel not attractive enough so i'm just distant myself and that's it we're not even started but it's ended like this. when i like someone and my friend which more beautiful than me liked him too, i gave up my feelings so easily (i know, nonsense. you coward). when i can't stand being friends with someone bcs he/she just didn't fit me well, we had different nature but i cursed myself just bcs we can't fit each other. when someone said i'm playing victim bcs i accidentally offended him/her and him/her accused me playing victim, annoying, and fake for being myself, it's ruined my life, it's affected me so bad, it's hurt me deep, i even hiatus on social media to get away from him/her, i even said sorry, but he/she said i'm toxic positivity and he/she don't care at all, that's the ending. such a good ending.
i wanted to change. be as positive as ever. not insecure and overthinking about everything. just walk in my pace slowly, leave bad or negative things behind, just... enjoy life. can i do that? i hate myself for being like this, also i'm tired... i wanted to be someone new which opposite of me. :(
sometimes being kind isn't enough, there's still people hated you for being kind. i know that you can't please everyone whatever kind of person you are, but i wish i can handle this and accepted it. it's just not easy to be rejected by someone. it's never easy.
still i know someday there will be the day when someone love me no matter what kind of person i am, no matter i'm still being me which full of negativity or change for better. when the day came, i wish you can handle and accepted me for who i am. i will just wait you and learn to be positive. it's not easy, but i'm betting for my (positive) self and i believe in you.
